The goal of the Christian life is not to make everyone get what they naturally want; it's to transform our relationships into kingdom ones. Whether the would-be reader could afford it or not, they graciously accepted whatever was paid or let the would-be reader have it for free. That's why the one secret to speaking your mate's language is to understand that unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her. So, what does disrespect actually feel like? A wife feels strongly that if her husband loves her in his heart, he will communicate that love. Said another way, whereas he respects naturally, he does not love naturally. It was absolutely essential to the well being of my soul to know that those students NEEDED my respect far more than I needed theirs. We no longer exert power or authority over one another, and patriarchy holds no sway over us. Furthermore, why do I keep talking about gender? The problem is that other verses (like 1 Peter 3:7 and Titus 2:2-4) simply don't support the use of Ephesians 5:33 as a proof-text for a love-and-respect difference between men and women. But women need more than that because they are very emotional beings. There are men who scream, verbally abuse, and hit their wives/daughters/sisters (and women who do so with their children as well) claiming that it's all out of 'love. ' I think it can be useful, but that usefulness is limited. Extremely shortened summary - great book.
I propose we tell this better story about marriage, love, and respect: We live in a world marred by patriarchy. On the face of it, God designed the nature of the wife to love more naturally at the level of intimacy. And with all his help, gifts and compliments, so will you. In plain language: Men often feel most loved by the women in their lives when their partners hug them, kiss them, smile at them, and explicitly offer gratitude, praise, and words of affection. Women often have difficulty showing respect to their male partner because of the ingrained feminism and culturally-accepted image of men being weak, dumb, and undeserving of honor. It doesn't matter if you have a lousy marriage or a wonderful marriage, this information can help you and your spouse love and respect each other more than you already do. After all, if we were to base our theory of gender relations on 1 Peter 3:7 all by itself (as we've been taking Ephesians 5:33 all by itself), we would conclude that what women need most from their husbands is actually public honor.
Psychologist Shauna Springer, PhD., wrote a rebuttal in This Psychology Today online article, questioning the universality of the results Eggerichs obtained from his study samples of 400 men and a similar number of women. While men like to do certain "guy" activities on their own or with other male friends, it's very important to them to have at least one or two "playtime" activities that their spouse enjoys doing with them. Let him know how happy you are that he made dinner, moved the laundry to the dryer, changed a diaper, fixed the WiFi, or changed the batteries in the remote. The hard part is that respect comes more easily to men, and love comes easier to be fair, Eggerichs doesn't teach that men need only respect and not love, or that women need only love and not respect.
In saying that a wife's greatest felt need is love we are not saying that a wife needs only love and not respect. The book of Proverbs says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. " This book really helped me with some personal insight work and helped me to understand my mate a little better. I know from personal experience that I couldn't put into words what I was often missing in my relationships. This subject even applies to children. It taught me the principle that many evangelicals know so well: "women need love, men need respect. " When a wife decides to express herself respectfully—and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude—she energizes her husband. But she expects him to somehow, sometime tell her of his love if it is in his heart.
It was Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. I recognize that I've described the worst possible application of the love-respect principle. As the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. Men need respect, women need love. I ask black employees if they have a need to feel respected by their white co-workers, and ask white employees if they have a need to feel respected by their black co-workers. The unaware husband doesn't readily decode the messages his wife is sending when she comes to him with her problems.
A woman needs to talk about things and have someone she loves listen to her and understand what she is going through. Let's see how this plays out at home as a couple is getting dressed to start the day: She says, "I have nothing to wear. " It should be instead, "How did we stray from what God wants? If you are a parent or in a romantic relationship, I strongly recommend you buy this book and do your best to put it into action. She needs to know that he will be committed to her and their children. It's probably always been there, covered over by societal norms and not spoken about out loud. Through the twisted logic of patriarchy, disrespect, pride, and even abuse could be construed as love. 1 Peter 3:7, King James 2000 version, Emphasis, especially in the honor-shame culture of the New Testament, is pretty much respect and then some. What did it feel like? Therefore, God reveals to a husband that he must work harder at loving his wife than his wife works at loving him.
Thus the crazy cycle: without love she reacts without respect and without respect he reacts without love! If we want successful relationships we must learn this important truth. These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. In the Bible, it says in Ephesians 5:33 (NLT), "Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. But here's another point. Get help and learn more about the design.
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